It's ALL Lifeboat Theory

Donald Miller is one of my favorite authors. I loved Blue Like Jazz when I first read it years ago, Through Painted Deserts is beautiful and poetic, and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years is filled with Miller's trademark humor. It's Searching for God Knows What, though, that has stuck with me the most in the years since I've read it.

SFGKW (see how I made it an acronym? The interwebs are so cool!) is the book where Miller explains something called "Lifeboat Theory." He talks about being a kid and having to do that ubiquitous class activity - it's probably being done in a 7th grade classroom as I write this - where students imagine that they're on a lifeboat with limited supplies and too many people. Each student is given a persona (single mother, rich businessman, US president, etc.) and has to convince the others in the lifeboat that they should be allowed to stay.

Miller points out what should be painfully obvious - this is a TERRIBLE activity. It's not really about persuasive speaking or rational argument; it's about trying to decide who should die! Grim, even for the most angst-ridden middle schoolers. Then Miller goes on to explain that this activity is really a mirror for our lives. What's really happening is this: Everything we do, everything we say, and everyone we hang out with, is really just us trying desperately to justify our place in the lifeboat. Every day, we look to others to give us value.

Example. I'm a funny person. (Right? RIGHT?) I love it when people laugh at my jokes and my quick-witted comments. It makes me feel loved. When I was younger I was much more thoughtless with my humor than I am now, and sarcasm tended to be my weapon of choice. I pursued that feeling of love and acceptance at the expense of others who were probably hurt by an offhand, cutting remark. I could tell myself that they were  being oversensitive what did I care? I was just telling a joke!
 
We all want to associate with what's popular. No one wants to be seen as a "loser." Whether we're consciously aware of it or not, we make decisions based on how we think others will perceive us. Think about the clothes we refuse to wear because "I wouldn't be caught dead in hipster skinny jeans." (Just me?) Or think about the books we sheepishly admit to reading (*cough* Twilight *cough*) because we know that we'll be judged if we enter into an earnest discussion about the possibilities of vegetarian vampires having souls.

We're afraid of being judged by others because we're judging others. We're all clinging to our places in the lifeboat, hoping that if we look right, wear the right things, buy the right stuff, say the right words, people will love us and we get to stay. Meanwhile, we're actively pushing others out of the lifeboat for having a bad haircut, owning last year's cell phone, or watching dumb TV shows (Real Housewives? Into the Pacific with you!). 

My small group has talked before about being counter-cultural and what that would look like for Christians in the modern world. I don't think it can be anything less than refusing to play the Lifeboat game. We have to ask ourselves constantly about our motivations for what we're saying and doing: Why am I doing this? Am I trying to get recognition? Am I trying to look cool? Am I trying to get approval and love from others?

We're hanging on to the lifeboat, but what we really need to do is to jump out already.